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Latest Threads
Karma
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
18-09-2020, 08:33 PM
» Replies: 5
» Views: 90
Male Rules
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Swanny
18-09-2020, 09:42 AM
» Replies: 3
» Views: 58
A bit of fun - the name d...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Swanny
17-09-2020, 08:29 PM
» Replies: 4
» Views: 82
Leiurus ever come across ...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: speedfreak
17-09-2020, 02:54 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 22
The Barracks Door
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
16-09-2020, 07:35 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 33
New member
Forum: Introduce yourself here
Last Post: Autonm
15-09-2020, 07:24 PM
» Replies: 11
» Views: 217
Mothers milk
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
14-09-2020, 04:56 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 36
Noh's ark revisited
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Swanny
08-09-2020, 09:17 AM
» Replies: 5
» Views: 110
Vote for your CB1300 pers...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Leiurus
02-09-2020, 04:08 AM
» Replies: 19
» Views: 374
How to tell if you are an...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
21-08-2020, 04:08 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 39

 
  Male Rules
Posted by: Speedy - 18-09-2020, 04:48 AM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (3)

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note, these are all numbered 1 on purpose.

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Women... sleeping on the couch tonight is like camping, so men really dont mind that !

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  Karma
Posted by: AlanS - 17-09-2020, 09:50 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (5)

I'm sure you've all seen the latest message on the home screen. Well, todays advert, just below it, was for Victoria's Secrets with a lovely lady advertising her wares Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin

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  Leiurus ever come across this?
Posted by: speedfreak - 17-09-2020, 02:54 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

[Image: IMG-20200917-WA0001.jpg]

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  A bit of fun - the name describes the profession
Posted by: AlanS - 17-09-2020, 09:13 AM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (4)

OK - I'll start.

Mr Bit. He's the window cleaner. [You have to say it to understand Big Grin]

Next?

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  The Barracks Door
Posted by: AlanS - 16-09-2020, 07:35 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

A Scotsman walks into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walks up to him and says, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up, finished his shopping, and got in the lady cashier's line to check out. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When it was his turn he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

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  Mothers milk
Posted by: AlanS - 14-09-2020, 04:56 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

Students in an Advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test,
He wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got his 70 points.

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  New member
Posted by: Autonm - 09-09-2020, 03:47 PM - Forum: Introduce yourself here - Replies (11)

Hi,

I have just joined, I have owned my Black/Silver 2007 CB1300 two years in October.
It has just gone over 30,000 miles and still going strong.
I'm located at Redcar up in the North East.

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  Noh's ark revisited
Posted by: AlanS - 07-09-2020, 11:55 AM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (5)

In the year 2019, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying.
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark. "Noah!." He roared. "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord." Begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit.
I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My homeowners association claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision. Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go. When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work. The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No." Said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it."

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  Vote for your CB1300 personality of the year
Posted by: AlanS - 27-08-2020, 08:47 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (19)

So, just for a bit of a laugh, who would you vote for as your CB1300 persononality of 2020. Choices are:

Leiurus - for his dedication in building an amazing CB1300 - and having the most beautiful wife anyone could lust after.
Swanny  - for his dedication in swamping us with conspiracy theories and keeping us amused for hours
Wavey Dave - for his originality in giving out birthday wishes and generally posting when all things seem quiet
Oddjob - for his extensive knowledge in all things CB1300 and for coming from Lancashire.

The poll will be open for 5 days.

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  How to tell if you are an engineer
Posted by: AlanS - 21-08-2020, 04:08 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

If you sympathise with the engineer in these comments, you are one:

Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?

Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.

Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.

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