Some ex-nursery children were starting in primary school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said: "No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words". She then asked Bobby what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: "Winnie the Sh*t".

And one for me



What a week to be alive, were we blessed or bloody what ??



To ponder





Beer works just as well..........but

had to look twice at this, thought it was a tiny exhaust on someones finger tips

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretched limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay."




"I'll paint ya in da nude alright, but I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

Have deleted this as don't want to upset anyone.
It was a misjudgement to post in the first place.
Apologies to any and all that found it offensive x

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

And so they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was,

all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline….!


[You can thank me later for the joke ]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do," said Keith.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different!)

I saw a trivial pursuit question today - "In which olympic sports are the competitors forbidden to have beards".

Apparently, the answer is not "Ladies Shot Putt" 

So, come on - how many of these do you do? Own up

1. Having to shout “weyhey” if someone spills a drink or drops a glass in the pub.
   
2. Saying “Aaaaaah” after taking the first sip of a cold beer.
   
3. Having to have a beer at the airport, even though it is before 6am.
   
4. Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
   
5. Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
   
6. The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up.
   
7. Being obsessed with the weather.
   
8. Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
   
9. Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.
   
10. Leaving everything til the last minute.
    
11. Obsession with the traffic.
    
12. Asking people “How their journey was?”
    
13. Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
    
14. Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
    
15. Wearing shorts and sunglasses the moment the sun comes out.
    
16. Having a Barbecue the moment the sun comes out.
    
17. Insisting the barbecue will still go on despite the rain.
    
18. Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
    
19. Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
    
20. "You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
    
21. Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it.
    
22. Knowing that putting the kettle on in a crisis will calm the situation down.
    
23. The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
    
24. Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
    
25. Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.
    
26. Forming a queue for almost anything.
    
27. Finding queue jumping as a serious crime ?
    
28. "I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
    
29. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
    
30. Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
    
31. Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested, whilst nodding approvingly as they hold the mirror up behind you, to show you what you can not see at the back.
    
32. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
    
33. Starting a controversial statement with “I’m not being funny, but...”
    
34. Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
    
35. Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
    
36. Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
    
37. Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
    
38. Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
    
39. Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck.
    
40. Finding nothing better than a Danish bacon sandwich.
    
41. Being squashed on the train by a larger person and pretending you don’t notice when they are half sitting in your seat.
    
42. Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
    
43. Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
    
44. Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
    
45. The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
    
46. The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
    
47. “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
    
48. Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
    
49. Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
    
50. Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
    
51. Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.
    
52. Getting in a taxi and trying your hardest not to say it, but you know you will eventually say “you been busy mate?”
    
53. Saying “Sorry” for absolutely everything even though it was not your fault.