Dear Employee......
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future......
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately......
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.....
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).....
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.......
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.......
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).........
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.........
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand........
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management.......

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole
when a second golfer approached and asked if could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,
how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting,
but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen,
the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course
and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic,
offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

Two old men are sitting in a bar.
One of them looks at the other & says
“You look familiar… where you from?”
The second old man replies “Ireland”
The first old man looks astonished & says
” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!”
The second old man then looks at the first “What city?”
The first old man says “Dublin?”
The second old man looks astonished
“No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.”
The first man looks at the second old man “What school you go to?”
The second old man replies
“Saint Mary’s class of 89”
The first old man is absolutely baffled
” NO WAY Saint Mary’s class of 89 myself! What a small world!”
At this point, another man comes into the bar & says to the bartender
“Hey, Joe! Anything interesting going on?”
The bartender says
“Not really… but the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

A cockroach in a British restaurant is a health hazard. In a Chinese restaurant it's a f*cking starter.

A chap out for a walk bumps into a pal, who just has the one arm.
"So, what are you up to?" says the man.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," his pal replied.
Slightly concerned, he asks: "Won't that be difficult, with just one arm?"
"I shouldn't think so," his pal replied. "I've still got the receipt."