At the end of a lecture at Med School: Opening the floor for questions can be disastrous.

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake"............

My dog is called Minton, because he keeps eating shuttlecocks........"bad Minton!"
I'll get my coat....

The father in law sent me an eamil headed 'AIRCRAFT QUIZ'

There was just the one question........
What advantage do rotary winged aircraft (helicopters) have over conventional aircraft.

The silly arse admitted he got it wrong, then I scrolled down to see the answer, it wasn't what I expected













I did too

A friend of mine took his best work mate home with him after work around 5:30

His wife started screaming her head off at him while his friend just sits and listens
My f'in hair & makeup are not done, the f'in house is a f'in mess, the dishes are f'in not done,
I'm still in my f'in pajamas and I can't be f'in a**** with cooking tonight, why the f'in hell did you f'in bring him home without f'in telling me first?

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

A man walks into a bar and as he stood waiting for a drink he noticed a little man 1 foot tall sat playing a piano on the bar, so he says to the barman "hey that's so cool" where did you get him from ? the barman replied "I found an old lamp in the cellar" I rubbed it and out popped a genie that granted me 1 wish, so I wished and this little fella turned up.He stuck the lamp on the bar and said "here you have a go" so the man rubbed the lamp and out pops the genie and tells him he has one wish so the man says I wish I had a million bucks.....whoosh.....the genie disappears and the guy looks around and sees nothing, then he begins to hear something outside so he runs to the door and looks outside and sees ducks quacking about for as far as the eye can see, he walks back inside and says to the barman "what a fookin piss take" I asked for a million bucks not ducks, the barman replies "yes I think that genie is a bit deaf" you don't really believe I wished for a 12 inch pianist do you ?

Guy goes to the doctor and asks the blonde receptionist for an immediate appointment.


She responds that the doctor doesn't have any openings until the following Monday. She then asks him, "As you'd like an immediate appointment what is the problem?"

He tells her in a low voice, "I have an erection that won't go away!"

The blonde responds, "Well, as I said the doctor has no availability until Monday, but I'm sure I could squeeze you in!"

A man walks into a remote country pub, as he's ordering his drink he notices a large bowl on the bar brimming with pound coins. He asks the barman 'what's with the bowl of money?'. 'Well' says the barman 'You pay a pound and then you have to make the donkey in the stable out back laugh,if you manage it you win whatever is in the bowl'. 'I'll have a go at that' the man said, paid his pound and went to the stable. Shortly after the donkey could be heard howling with laughter. The man comes back in claims his winnings and goes on his way. A few months later the man is passing the pub again so goes in for a drink, sure enough there's the bowl on the bar brimming with pound coins. 'Still doing the make the donkey laugh thing then?. 'No' the barman said 'you've got to make it cry now'. 'Ok I'm up for that' says the man. So he pays his pound and goes to the stable. In no time at all the donkey could be heard bawling it's eyes out. As the man comes back into the pub the barman asks 'Ok how did you do it, you made it laugh, you made it cry, HOW!?. 'Well I made it laugh by telling it my willy was bigger than his'. 'So how did you make it cry' said the barman. 'I proved it

Bought a pack of sausages with a picture of Jamie Oliver on.

On the back it said 'prick with fork'.
Can't argue with that.