Welcome, Guest
You have to register before you can post on our site.

Username
  

Password
  





Search Forums

(Advanced Search)

Forum Statistics
» Members: 1,016
» Latest member: fantiki
» Forum threads: 4,696
» Forum posts: 56,491

Full Statistics

Online Users
There are currently 8 online users.
» 0 Member(s) | 8 Guest(s)

Latest Threads
Funny, true, wise
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Sakifan
14-03-2024, 04:34 PM
» Replies: 9
» Views: 522
woman parking
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: speedfreak
01-03-2024, 10:37 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 55
Advice For Home Mechanics...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
03-02-2024, 11:35 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 92
Classic insults
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Stevex
23-12-2023, 05:54 PM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 102
urine test
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: speedfreak
08-12-2023, 11:49 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 130
an early picture of me
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: speedfreak
31-10-2023, 01:14 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 177
Ken Lee
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: Wavey Dave
24-10-2023, 06:02 PM
» Replies: 1
» Views: 172
I defy you to read these ...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
24-10-2023, 03:04 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 148
new traffic lights
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: speedfreak
18-10-2023, 06:40 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 120
Did you know this about c...
Forum: Jokes and witty banter
Last Post: AlanS
13-10-2023, 07:55 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 114

 
  woman parking
Posted by: speedfreak - 01-03-2024, 10:37 AM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

posted for Steve, watch to the end. Big Grin


https://youtube.com/shorts/fDBk3jv1pyQ?s...u3MyXhFzHY

Print this item

  Advice For Home Mechanics Using Haynes Manual
Posted by: AlanS - 03-02-2024, 11:35 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: Ping... what the hell was that?

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You aren’t seriously considering this aren't you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!! You are, in fact, a feckin’ idiot for even thinking of attempting this one.

Haynes: ...if not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Print this item

  Classic insults
Posted by: AlanS - 23-12-2023, 12:41 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (1)

You might want to use these on family members over Christmas Big Grin

1. "He had delusions of adequacy ” Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
stolen

Print this item

  urine test
Posted by: speedfreak - 08-12-2023, 11:49 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

[Image: FB-IMG-1702075682288.jpg]

Print this item

  an early picture of me
Posted by: speedfreak - 31-10-2023, 01:14 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

[Image: FB-IMG-1698754325548.jpg]

Print this item

  I defy you to read these and not laugh
Posted by: AlanS - 24-10-2023, 03:04 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

t's 1977,  I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny.

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Print this item

  Ken Lee
Posted by: rupesdad - 22-10-2023, 11:03 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (1)

Big Grin

Print this item

  new traffic lights
Posted by: speedfreak - 18-10-2023, 06:40 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

new traffic lights for bikers

[Image: FB-IMG-1697650649068.jpg]

Print this item

  Did you know this about car a/c?
Posted by: AlanS - 13-10-2023, 07:55 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - No Replies

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.  Who knew?  Here's a few little known facts for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.  They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 degrees.  They turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off almost immediately.
Old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million instead, BUT, they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Ford cars.  They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.  


So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max, on the controls.

Print this item

  The correct words
Posted by: AlanS - 12-10-2023, 09:00 PM - Forum: Jokes and witty banter - Replies (4)

Some ex-nursery children were starting in primary school.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said: "No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words". She then asked Bobby what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: "Winnie the Sh*t".

Print this item