Coronavirus

[knapdog]

Nice try, but with thousands dying, the financial situation is a consequnce, not a cause.

You know they don't care about people dying.

Battle of the Somme
British forces suffered more than 57,000 casualties—including more than 19,000 soldiers killed—on the first day of the battle alone.


Over 1,000,000 people have died in Iraq because of the war

They couldn't give a monkeys about us or the economy, they are psychopaths.

Hmm. 
Ah well, I can remember an ex girlfriend, fifty years ago, calling me a Dickhead and I can still feel the pain!

[Swanny]

Call me a dickhead if you like, doesn't bother me.

If what I've heard is correct then April is going to be a very interesting month

[speedfreak]

[Swanny]

As I'm now off work I'm going to give my 13 a good strip down and clean ready for April when I'll tax her and will be using her for trips to the supermarket

I guess this is what life on benefits is like, no need for a clock and nothing you need to do. Trouble is us working folk types can't sit on our arses all day and do nothing

[speedfreak]

first day of lockdown for me was yesterday. I said to the doris I can jet wash the decking and flags, stain the decking and paint the sheds. she said whats the rush don't do it all at once.
so today I started a few bits on the bike

[AlanS]

[AlanS]

BREAKING NEWS:
A thief has removed all motorway signs in Yorkshire..

Police are currently looking for Leeds.

[Oddjob]

For all those bored here's a football quiz I made in some years ago for our new newsletter at work, I've amended the ships name to reflect our love of bikes. The dashes where the gaps are do not reflect how many letters there are. 

At the time all the teams were in either the Premiership or the EFL but one has since gone down to the Conference.

These are all English teams, no Scottish or Welsh teams. One of the answers has 2 choices, I'll accept either, extra point if you can get them both. 





Excerpt from the diary of Walter Crabtree, First Officer and sole survivor of the wreck of the sailing vessel "The Golden Wing"

It was November 23rd in the year of our Lord 1684 when we departed from the shores of Blessed England bound for the ------. The day started badly, the captain, god rot his soul, was drunk and refused to rise, which meant we missed the flood tide and departed late on the ebb. As a result the ship got stuck on a sandbar at the ------ and was stuck until the tide turned and floated us free.  The voyage was uneventful until we entered the dreaded Bay of Biscay when the weather turned foul and we were forced to run before it, for 3 days we battled the storm and the ship took a severe beating.

When the weather changed, the captain decided to find a refuge where we could affect repairs. We found a small Spanish harbour which was controlled by the brothers Manuel and Miguel Kampe, who lived in a ------ on the hilltop overlooking the harbour. A more unpleasant pair of men you will never find. They insisted we treat them like lords and were forced to call them Don Manuel or Don Miguel.  The men detested them and sarcastically referred to them as the ------.

When we had completed our repairs we invited the brothers to a departure dinner, this had an ulterior motive as we had found out that the brothers intended to capture our ship later that night and sell our cargo and vessel. As usual the brothers were unpleasant company and we offered them our cheapest sherry, they asked for something else to drink but we said we were sorry but we didn't -----------. We managed to get them so drunk they passed out and when they awoke we were far out to sea.  Big Thomas, a huge bull of a man, grabbed each of the brothers and with a huge throw pitched them overboard to a certain death, for this feat the ------ bestowed the title of ------ on Big Thomas.

Although the voyage had not gone well we ------ which proved to be a bad decision as the weather changed yet again and this time our luck ran out.  Running before a rough sea the ship hit rocks just off a large island and immediately started to list, the captain ordered the ------ checked but it was clear we would have to abandon the ship and take our chances on reaching the shore. Out of the 38 men who jumped into the water that night only 7 of us managed to crawl onto the beach. When morning came we looked out to sea to discover the Golden Wing was still there but was in danger of sinking at any time, we managed to salvage some supplies and emptied the ------.

We explored the island, I sent some men down to the ------ whilst myself and 2 others explored the rest, we were all armed in case of ------ but we didn't see any. We found some of our fellow shipmates washed up on the shore that day and we decided to ------ them.  ------ early the next day we swam out to the wreck yet again and found some tools. We were planning on making a raft from the ships timbers but she sank later that afternoon forcing us to go into the ------ to get our materials.

We had one man keep a watch for passing ships and it was his job to light the fire and ------ it to ensure it didn't go out if he spotted any. He never did.  We were downhearted but that road ------ to despair so I kept the men busy. Supplies were running low, all we had was some ------ but I was so hungry I could have ate a ------. The raft was finished before supplies finally ran out, it wasn't great but we pronounced it in ship shape and ------ fashion. Early the next day, I've since discovered it was a ------, we 7 set our small sail and hoped to find civilisation before our food and water ran out. For 4 weeks we were at the mercy of the elements, one by one my shipmates died until just I remained. I prayed for deliverance and my prayers were answered. A schooner saw my small sail and rescued me, for anyone ------ this, the message is, never give up and trust in providence.

[Swanny]

[AlanS]

I dare you to read this aloud and not have tears of laughter afterwards.

(Imagine the following being read by Victoria Wood, Julie Walters or Joyce Grenfell ...)
"WI advice on self-isolation:
Mobberly WI have issued the following guidance for isolation.

"Right ladies, Judith Bickerstaffe has kindly emailed the crochet patterns for the face masks and matching underwear sets. Anyone who runs out of wool should message Delia who will leave fresh supplies in a vacuum sealed sandwich bag on your doorstep. She will knock the theme tune to Miami Vice on your door so you know it's her, you'll have to take pot luck on colours, but I do know there is a particularly lovely shade of burnt copper.

Mavis has drawn up a rota for the Haz Mat suit and WW2 Gas Mask, it is one size fits all so please don't specify size requirements.

If any of our less able members need provisions such as bread, milk, wine, Gin or pickled walnuts please contact Cynthia, who will pop to the shops for you providing her moped isn't being used by her grandson for pizza deliveries.

Laura will go ahead with her useful and inspirational talk on Christmas and other gifts made from j-cloths via Skype.

Currently we will have to abandon our collection of soft toys made from used hosiery, particularly after that unfortunate incident when Derek Malmsbury was found doing unspeakable things to the elephant made by his wife, Nora. I'm sure we all support Nora at this upsetting time. Apparently they WERE Derek's fishnets, which is why he was confused and why he wanted them back. Still that should never be done to a child's soft toy.

Connie is finishing off the template for making an emergency face mask and draft excluder from a spare bra. I know some members have raised concern that as Connie is a 46GG she has more material to work with than most, but she assures me her template will be scalable from 32 A upwards.

Audrey wants to apologize for the mix-up with the medication run, but please be rest assured Joan suffered no side effects from taking Marjorie Butterworth's husband Viagra and haliborange. And likewise Marjorie's husband seems to have responded really well to the HRT. Marjorie says they even agreed on the pattern for their new curtains.

Sad news because of the Government announcement, the trip to Leeds and 'Miss Fifi's Private Dungeon and Macrame club' has been postponed and at this moment we don't have a rescheduled date.

Great news: we have already started collecting prizes for the summer fayre raffle. It looks like the star prize this year may well be a pack of 9 Andrex Quilted Aloe Vera toilet rolls. Shortly followed by a complete set of knitted Nolan Sisters toilet roll covers. Mavis says any resemblance between Colleen and Anne Widdecombe is purely coincidental.

Right Ladies I must dash, I hear Springitts has just had a fresh delivery of tinned prunes."